What to Do When You're Questioning Your Sexuality

Questioning sexuality often happens during the teen years as identity forms, but questioning one's sexual orientation can occur at any age. Adults are often better equipped to explore and understand their sexual identities more fully. Sexuality can also change with age.

Questioning your sexuality can be a journey of discovery, but it can also bring feelings of stress. Learning more about yourself can help you find joy in healthy sexual relationships and affirm your sexuality.

Asking yourself questions, talking to supportive people, and exploring online resources are just a few steps to help you explore your sexuality. This article discusses some of the well-known LGBTQ+ identities, strategies that can help you explore your sexuality, and some of the resources that may help.

The Most Well Known Identities: LGBTQIA+

No matter what age you are, or what your relationship and sexual background is, it's perfectly okay for you to delve further into understanding your own orientation. One study that examined the sexual orientations of people from teenage years through early adulthood suggested that sexual orientation development continues throughout emerging adulthood.

To help you best understand what you might be experiencing, we've broken down the various known sexual identities, along with how to find resources that can best guide you through your self-discovery.

There are more options in regards to sexual orientation than those represented in the acronym LGBTQIA, but that term is the most well known. Here is what the words in that acronym stand for.

Lesbian

A lesbian is a woman who is attracted to people of her same gender. Usually, people who identify as lesbians do not partner with people other than women. The National Center For Lesbian Rights works to advance the rights of lesbians and other marginalized people.

Gay

A gay person is someone who is attracted to people of their same gender, and the term is often used to describe men who are attracted to other men. However, women can identify as gay instead of or in addition to identifying as lesbian.

Bisexual

Someone who is bisexual is attracted to more than one gender. Before the release of the "Bisexual Manifesto" in 1990, it was often assumed that bisexual people were only attracted to cis men and cis women.

However, since then the term has come to include people who are attracted to more than one gender, period. If someone thinks they may be bisexual but isn't yet sure, they may identify as bi-curious. The Bisexual Resource Center can help you learn more.

Transgender

A trans, or transgender, person is someone whose gender identity is different from the sex they were assigned at birth. As mentioned above, gender identity is not the same as sexual orientation.

Because of the overlap of the two topics, though, particularly in regards to the fight for human rights as marginalized people, the transgender label is included in LGBTQIA+. Nonbinary and genderqueer identities also fall under this umbrella.

Queer or Questioning

Queer is an umbrella term for anyone who isn't heterosexual. Being queer means that a person isn't straight, but it doesn't provide any details about who they are or aren't attracted to. While the word queer was once used as a slur, it has been reclaimed in recent years by many in the LGBTQIA+ community.

Intersex

People who are intersex were born with bodies that don't fit completely into the male/female gender binary. Just like the transgender label, intersex is not a sexual identity.

The term gets placed in with sexual orientations for the same reason as transgender does, because advocacy is necessary for this marginalized group. The Intesex Societ of North America is a great resource for this subject.

Asexual

Asexuality is the term for a person who doesn't experience sexual attraction to other people. It's considered a spectrum, meaning that some people who are asexual will experience more attraction than others, but to be on the asexual spectrum implies that sexual attraction isn't a typical part of your day to day life. Individuals who are asexual may refer to themselves as "ace." The Asexual Visibility and Education Network can help you learn more.

Greysexuality, or graysexuality, also falls under the asexual identity. Someone who identifies as grey/graysexual may be rarely attracted to other people, but not so rarely that they fully identify as asexual.

Plus (+)

The + symbol at the end of LGBTQIA denotes that there are more identities than just the ones in that acronym. For some people, none of the terms in LGBTQIA accurately describe their sexuality. These are some less-known but still equally real identities:

• Pansexual: Someone who is pansexual is attracted to all genders of people.
• Demisexual: A person who only becomes attracted to other people once they have formed an emotional bond can be described as demisexual.
• Sapiosexual: People whose attraction to others is based on intellect identify as sapiosexual.
• Skoliosexual: This newer term refers to those who are usually attracted to people who fall outside the typical gender binary. That means that trans, nonbinary, or genderqueer people may be the ones that a skoliosexual person is generally attracted to.

Steps To Take To Discern Your Identity

If you're questioning your sexual orientation, there are a number of simple and easy emotional exercises you can conduct to help reach yourself and your attraction on a deeper level. Start by asking yourself one or more of these questions:

1. What imagery resonates with you? When you see photos of couples or families, which ones tug at your heartstrings or your libido? Do you feel feelings of envy or hope when you see same-gender couples?
2. What's in your imagination? When you close your eyes and envision your perfect partner, are they a specific gender? If so, is their gender different from those you've partnered with up to this point?
3. Separate the dogma you've learned from your true self: as we go through life, we absorb a lot of ideologies about what's "right" or "good." If you focus on getting those out of the way, does your idea of who you're attracted to change?

Resources To Help Understand Your Sexual Orientation

No matter what you're experiencing in relation to your sexuality, there is no need to go through it alone.

Talk to Supportive People

If you're comfortable discussing the issue with a loved one, bring up the subject with them. Choose a friend or family member you know you can trust, who doesn't have any homophobic tendencies and will have your best interest in mind.

Share your feelings with them, letting them know that you're unsure about your orientation. Don't feel pressured to walk away from the conversation with a label—you have all the time you want to figure that out, if you ever even need to.

Talk to a Professional

If speaking with a loved one isn't enough, consider speaking with a professional. If you're twenty three or younger, the LGBT Youth Hotline offers confidential, free support by phone; if you're older, the LGBT National Help Center has a hotline as well. Additionally, you can speak to a therapist, and most major cities have LGBTQ Centers, many of which have free support groups. If there aren't any queer-friendly professionals in your area, you can also consider online counseling for LGBTQIA+ individuals.

Connect With Potential Partners

Lastly, dating apps can help you connect with others who are also questioning their sexuality. Apps like OK Cupid give you the option of choosing "questioning" as an identity, and allow you to search for others who are in the same situation.

Romantic Versus Sexual Attraction

When discussing sexual orientation, the distinction between romantic and sexual attraction sometimes comes into play.

It's good to understand the differences between them because even though they tend to go together—meaning that usually people want romantic relationships with the same gender or genders of people they are sexually attracted to—there are some individuals for whom the two are different or disparate.

Fluidity

Sexual orientation can change at any time of your life. If you're experiencing a shift in your own attractions, your sexuality may be changing. There's nothing wrong with that. For one thing, as we age we get to know ourselves better, and we may be able to acknowledge facets of ourselves that we couldn't before.

Additionally, as we age our priorities change. What you once found attractive in others might now be off-putting. For some people, their sexuality never stops changing. Those people might consider themselves sexually fluid for life.

A Word From Verywell

Questioning one's sexuality can happen at any age. There are many different sexual identities, and finding which one fits you best may take some time. Your identity also might change over time throughout your life.

There are many resources to help you understand your orientation, from organizations dedicated to specific identities to broader hotlines that offer help for any questions you might have. There's no need to feel stressed if you're questioning your sexuality—you have all the time you need, and plenty of free resources, to figure out what, if any, label fits you best.